GingerSass

adding ginger to your sass

GingerSass - adding ginger to your sass

Coming out for BlogHer’13

There’s something I’ve been wanting to share with you all for about 3 weeks. You’ve seen me come out to my family as a blogger, and you’ve seen me come out to my extended family via text message as a lesbian. You would think coming out as something else would be easy, but this time around it’s been surprisingly more difficult. In fact, I’ve literally sat down to write this post 3 or 4 times, and I’ve found a different excuse each time to do something else.

However, I’ve essentially been outed, and it’s time to come clean.

As Elisa announced this weekend, I will be modeling in the 2nd Annual BlogHer Fashion Show.

My latest identity is that of a model.

At a time in my life where I’ve been having an inexplicable amount of body image issues, for no reason whatsoever, I consciously decided to be a model, in a fashion show, in front of thousands of women.

This is basically both a dream come true and a huge nightmare for my inner teenage girl.

I agreed to Elisa’s message asking me to be in the show before I could say no, and the anxiety began. I received an email asking for my measurements, something I haven’t taken since I was in a wedding last summer, and it was a bit panic-inducing. I sent my various measurements and sizes to the modeling agency working with BlogHer, making note that my wasn’t asked for anywhere, and waited for the rejection. You’re too tall. You’re too heavy. You’re too pale.  You’re not what we’re looking for. I waited to hear any– or all– of those phrases, phrases I didn’t even know I could be afraid to hear someone utter to me, and anticipated being told it was all a mistake. Then I was invited to a telephone conference to discuss the show, where voices I’ve never heard laughed and spoke excitedly about how excited they were that we were all being a part of it.

I’m excited.

I’m terrified.

I’m second guessing myself.

I’m questioning the sanity of Elisa for asking me to be part of the show.

I’m most likely going to have a momentary freakout before we walk the runway and make inappropriate jokes (or take shots) with Vikki, my fellow model.

Good LAWD I have no clue what I’ve gotten into.

Yet… I can’t wait to conquer my inexplicable insecurities and own that damn runway… even though I will most likely trip. (I’m a klutz, didn’t you know??)

So, there you have it folks…

As of next Saturday, I’ll be able to say I’m a model.

Ballet always made me feel like a fairy princess. Maybe modeling will have the same effect.

Ballet always made me feel like a fairy princess. Maybe modeling will have the same effect.

Blogging in the nude

 

Recently I’ve been thinking about my ability (or inability) to connect with what my body has become over the past year. After fighting with my chronic illness and growing used to constantly losing weight and being weak/pale, I found myself fighting a new battle: depression. The combination of being in a tumultuous relationship I didn’t know how to get out of mixed with the eventual break up and then the suicide of one of my friends led to me dealing with a hell of a lot of issues. I spent most of the fall semester lying in my bed with the lights off and watching mindless television or staring into space. I also found solace in my friend, Rum. I drank. A lot. Not enough to be considered alcoholic, but enough to realize it wasn’t healthy. Yet, Rum got rid of my headaches and sadness. I’d mix it with coke and my night would be fine. I’d justify it by saying I only had one year of undergrad left and I should embrace the college lifestyle.

 

Unfortunately, all of my “justifying” mixed with a lot of ordering delivery and not leaving my room or socializing with others left me about 20 pounds heavier than I started in the semester. Mixed with the weight I had gained since the start of 2011 during The Break Up and the months leading to (and following) The Break Up, I’m at my heaviest I’ve ever been. Ideally, I’d like to be about 30 pounds lighter.

 

Now, before you start thinking this is a blog post about “Oh Em GEE I’ve gotten so FAT!” let me clarify that it’s not. While I know I’ve gained weight, I’m also realistic about it now. I’ve actually made a conscious effort to eat healthier, and I took a yogalates class this semester. (Which probably does nothing for me losing weight, but it certainly helped de-stress me!) I stopped going to my therapist after the Fall semester, and I’m finally doing things for me that I’ve wanted to do for awhile, like start this website.

 

Now, let’s bring it back to the point of this blog post: nude blogging. While I’m currently clothed (in sweats! something I never EVER wear!), I think there’s something intimate and sensual about baring (pun intended) your thoughts while in your most vulnerable state. I tend to have my biggest brainstorms in the shower, and I often run from the shower to my desk to write them down. It feels natural to capture my thoughts while there’s nothing to hold me back, no outfits to worry about, no itchy clothing, no thoughts on whether or not I look good, etc. I think, essentially, nude blogging is the same idea as having nude photographs taken of yourself— it’s not about the fact that you are revealing a part of yourself often hidden, but about the fact that you feel comfortable enough to reveal it. It’s about self empowerment, embracing yourself, and feeling calm and tranquil with what situation is presented to you.

 

While toying around with the idea of writing this blog, I decided to reach out to my Twitter followers and ask for their opinion on nude blogging. As one might guess, there weren’t too many people brave enough to discuss this semi-taboo topic. However, the responses were empowering. @ButchFemmeKink, the owners and operators of a newly up and running social network for kinky butches, femmes, FTMs, allies & friends (www.butchfemmekink.com) responded, “Yes. So much yes. We approve of doing as much as possible #inthenude.” One of my friends, and an exquisitely beautiful person inside and out, @g0ddesy, responded, “I think it’s a necessity. Plus strangely profound.” When I asked her to elaborate, she wrote, “blogging is about unabashedly exposing yourself via your thoughts/words so nude blogging follows that line of exposure+honesty.” I couldn’t have summed it up better myself! Blogging IS about exposing yourself, and blogging in the nude just adds to that vulnerability and level of exposure.

 

What are your thoughts on blogging in the nude?