Holllllly crap.

Tina had lines!

This really must be a sign the apocalypse is near.

Okay, seriously, the first 20 mins of this week’s Glee episode was INSANE and not in a good way. It was insane in the Grey’s Anatomy-as-a-musical sort of way. It was a complete WASTE of Jenna Ushkowitz’s talents (except for the fact that she actually got lines.)

There was sooo much going on in the two-episode bit on Tuesday. Let’s list what went down:

• Tina was at the mall fabric shopping (they have a fabric store in the mall?!) and she was bitching about Rachel Berry…well, being Rachel Berry. She was texting Mike and she tripped and fell into a fountain, where she blacked out. during her blackout, everyone switched bodies. This only lasted 20 minutes of the first hour so obviously Ryan Murphy was just trying to pacify Tina fans with 20 mins of Tina-centric tidbits (that were actually Rachel Berry centric).

Sue as Will actually made me squeal lesbian squeals of delight. That’s the only switcheroo that made me happy.

• Tina comes back to reality and is all Team Rachel now. Whichhhhh brings us to them going on a roadtrip to stalk Madame Tibideaux and beg her to come watch Rachel at Nationals. Whoopi’s character is all “Oh not this stupid bitch again!” until Tina says what we all know: Rachel is a pain in the ass, but she always gets what she wants. Blahblahblah.
• Puck gets into a fight with Rick the Stick and is thrown in a dumpster. Our dearly beloved Puck’s reign appears to be over…until he jumps out of the dumspter with a knife. What the fuck, Puck?! Beiste jumps in and drags his sorry ass to the locker room, where they share (what was) my favorite scene in Glee. Puck breaks down and explains why he’s a failure and then starts crying in Beiste’s arms. Beiste starts crying to and the two have this amazing embrace where she says, “You and me, we’re badasses. Nobody thinks anything hurts us, but it does.” *swoons*
• Beiste, who has an abusive husband, gets the courage to leave him. Then we see Puck on stage and my NEW favorite scene in Glee happens. Puck & Beiste sing Taylor Swift’s “Mean” together and it makes my heart melt. Best. Bromance. EVER.[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enAUQ8IkZ-o&feature=related]
  This is the moment I fell in love with the Bromance known as Puck & Beiste <3

• Now it’s the second episode. Mercedes has food poisoning and Sue is nursing her back to health. She may not be better for Nationals so everyone is freaking the hell out. Blahblahblah peptalk blah. The Glee kids can do anything! You know the drill.
• NATIONALS TIME! Mercedes is better. New Directions is up first. They beast it with the Troubletones singing “Edge of Glory.” Rachel freaks out because Madame Tibideaux isn’t there yet, and Finn is all “you can do it!” The music starts, and Rachel is Rachel with Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.” Surprise! Madame Tibideaux shows up as Rachel starts singing. That wasn’t at all predictable. Then the New Directions sing Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” which, in all honesty, just reminded me of family Sweet 16s.
• Lindsay Lohan, Perez Hilton, and Alderman Fong are the Nationals judges. They sit in the middle of the audience, not front row center, which makes no sense to me. Everyone sings, and the judges bicker in some room about Perez blogging about Lindsay, who is qualified to be a Nationals judge, and, oh yea, who should win.

  

• NEW DIRECTIONS WINS! I honestly think it’s because the old people in walkers weren’t competing against them.
• In a longggg montage, we find out that the Glee kids weren’t slusheed, but confetti’d, they’re popular, Mr. Schue and Emma finally have sex, Sue is back to being head coach of the Cheerios, and, in my favorite part of the episode, that Brittany and Santana actually kiss and have some lady lovin’. (But what about Kurt and Blaine? Wah.)

  
  The only part of winning Nationals that matters– Brittana smoochin’! For real!

• As per the request of Principal Figgins, Rachel & Finn present Mr. Schue with Teacher of the Year. Because, you know, lying about knowing Spanish as a Spanish teacher really qualifies you for this prestigious award. (I’m so glad I’m going into the teaching profession.)

Now that I’m done recapping…

What the fuck was with all the transphobia/ stereotypes in the first episode leading up to Nationals?

I had major beef with Ryan Murphy after the Glee Winter Finale, and now I have beef with the stupid remarks that made it to the final cut. I get that most of them were from Sue, but really? Sue calls Kurt “Porcelina Hummel.” She keeps pushing for him to perform in drag. It goes on… and on… and on.

Seriously, cut it with the drag jokes, Ryan Murphy. You’re not funny. They’re not funny, even coming from the beloved Jane Lynch. Weget it. Haha. Gay man. Drag. Let’s fulfill as many gay stereotypes as possible so we can pretend to be THE MOST ACCEPTING SHOW ON TV!

Ryan Murphy really pisses me off sometimes, ugh.

Anyway. The two hour special wasn’t that exciting. It was disappointing. I’m really happy  with the moments Beiste had in the first half, and I’m really happy with the fact that New Directions finally won Nationals, even if they probably didn’t deserve it.

I googled the Glee Graduation, and I found this preview of next week’s Graduation episode. Enjoy. It made me get teary eyed. (Okay, cry. Whatever.)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuJOYbM50eo]