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Things I learned from Mary Lambert

I saw Mary Lambert‘s show in New York last night with the fiancée (gosh, it’s still kind of weird to say I have a fiancée!), and it was pretty spectacular.

Mary Lambert sparkles. <3

Mary Lambert sparkles. <3

The venue is pretty new (happy 2 months, SubCulture!), and it was a really nice, small, intimate space for a show. No matter where you sat you had a good seat, which was definitely a plus.

I want to believe this is the Mary Lambert seduction face.

I want to believe this is the Mary Lambert seduction face.

Mary Lambert is hilarious in a blunt, adorkable, person-you-want-to-be-friends-with kind of way. She opened up the show by saying how she was in a good mood because her friends had bought her a hotdog, and how hotdogs are one of her favorite food groups are hotdogs. (Cue gifts of hotdogs from lesbians from this point forth!) Mary also said she hoped nobody had been at the Macklemore show the night before, as she was wearing the same dress two nights in a row, “but it’s too sparkly and pretty to not wear again.”

Mary has a powerhouse voice and the show was amazing, but that’s not what I’m blogging about.

Mary taught me a few things last night that made me love her.

  1. Mary Lambert loves Storage Wars. I love that one of her guilty pleasures is one of my guilty pleasures. I wonder if she watches HGTV too?
  2. Mary Lambert loves hotdogs. (See above.)
  3. Mary Lambert isn’t afraid to be an outfit repeater. (Also see above.) I love that she admitted that because I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sparkly black dress and I now feel like I can justify wearing it multiple times because Mary Lambert said it was okay.
  4. Mary Lambert is an autograph ninja. She secretly signed all of the copies of her poetry book that were being sold at her show… which I didn’t realize until I got back to Jersey last night.
  5. Mary Lambert loves her fans and felt really bad that she couldn’t do a meet and greet after her show last night because she had another show in an hour. (Although, just putting it out there, originally I had tickets to the later show and TicketFly moved me to the earlier one so I kind of feel like TicketFly owes me a meet and greet with Mary. Just saying.)
  6. Capitol Records loves Mary Lambert enough to tell her she needs to write more performance poetry for her album.
  7. By the way, her first album with Capitol Records is coming out in a month. Mary couldn’t remember if it was December 17th or 19th, but I think it’s the 17th since most albums come out on Tuesdays.
  8. The Glee cast fought for Mary Lambert’s honor at the VMAs. I would’ve rather seen this than Miley.
  9. Speaking of which, Mary Lambert said she “Hermoine Granger-ed the shit out of her bag” at the VMAs while looking for her VMA ticket. Any individual who says they Hermoine Granger-ed the shit out of something is awesome.
  10. I want Mary Lambert to be a guest at my wedding. She had me laughing so hard I was crying at some points last night. I could totally see myself hanging out with Mary, which is why I think she should read this blog post and become my friend so I can invite her to my wedding. I wouldn’t even have her sing–I’d treat her to hotdogs, cake, and even some cocktails. We’d have a blast.
This is Mary Lambert air hugging the audience because she couldn't do a meet and greet with us after the show.

This is Mary Lambert air hugging the audience because she couldn’t do a meet and greet with us after the show.

Mary, you’re awesome. You’re totally invited to my wedding.

 

That post where I talk about Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus is apparently under a lot of fire for her latest music video for the song “We Can’t Stop.” I hadn’t heard the song or seen the video until just now, but there are a few random thoughts going around in my head.

 

 

1. I really loved Miley Cyrus and her Hannah Montana/ post Hannah days. “Party in the USA” and “The Climb” will always be some of my favorite ear worms.

 

2. Miley looks really hot with her new haircut, tats, and, well, everything. I love that she’s discovering who she is, and that she isn’t afraid to be herself (as far as we know) in the public eye.

 

3. Twerking isn’t what I thought it was.

 

4. This video is essentially a summary of my years as a RA. It has all the main components of the incident reports and programs I held over the years combined– partying, drinking, drugs, alphabet soup, sexuality, being healthy, reverting back to your childhood and playing with toys, essentially destroying your childhood, making decisions that will haunt you forever. Seriously, this entire video is basically a summary of lessons I tried to teach my residents over the years.

 

5. This song is insanely catchy. Miley does a really great job of creating earworms.

 

Have you heard “We Can’t Stop” or seen the video? What are your thoughts on it?

Watch the video and let me know what you think!

The top 10 reasons why I am too old to go clubbing anymore

I turned 23 a few months ago, and, like I had done for the past few years, I set up a birthday list and went dancing at a local club I’d frequented over the years. I had fun, but I felt out of place and way too old to be there. I went back on Friday night for a friend’s birthday, and I remembered why I hadn’t wanted to go back.

So, I present to you “The top 10 reasons why I am too old to go clubbing anymore”

10. I don’t feel comfortable dressing like it’s summer.
I’d much rather be wearing sweats than wearing the club-requisite of next-to-no-clothing. I hate wearing sweats.

9. It takes longer to do my hair and makeup than the amount of time I stay at the club.
It’s true– I spend about 2 hours working on my hair and makeup (and showering/ shaving/etc), and I usually leave clubs after a few hours.
8. It’s cheaper to buy a bottle of rum.
When you factor in tipping the bartender and the over-priced cost of club drinks, even during “drink specials,” a mediocre bottle of rum costs  less than my watered down Malibu Bay Breeze.
7. People are gross.
People don’t understand the concept of deodorant in clubs.

6. People are also disgusting.
People turn into–dare I say it– little skanks on the dance floor. Now, I usually go to gay clubs so this is applicable to the gay men, their token straight girl friends, and the occasional femme lesbian. Usually the butchier lesbians just turn into toolbags reminiscent of the stereotypical toolbag frat boy.

5. I’m expected to tip the awkward woman in the bathroom.
When you go to the bathroom, there’s an attendant in there who hands you a papertowel or says she likes your dress. Both of these things are not necessary. I can get my own paper towel, and if you liked my dress you’d be wearing a similar one, not a hoodie and jeans.

4. I can’t hear a damn thing other than crappy music.
This one is self-explanatory.

3. Smoking is not cool.
Thanks to the recent re-opening of my gay club of choice, there’s now a hookah lounge. When I went for my birthday in January, it was downstairs so it didn’t bother me. When I went on Friday, people were smoking all over. I couldn’t breathe and even my allergy meds weren’t helping.

2. I don’t even get carded anymore.
It used to be exciting to go to clubs, flash my ID, and get the “Superstar” and “Over 21” wristbands, as well as the “21” written in Sharpie on my hand. Now I’m automatically branded as old enough to drink, and it’s a pain in the ass to have to scrub the Sharpie off the next morning.

1. I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT.
I arrive by 11 so I don’t have to pay cover. By 12:30, after being on my feet and fake-dancing with teeny-boppers and freaking out at the prospect of seeing anyone who remotely looks like my students, the only thing I want to do is go home, take off my pounds of makeup, shower the smoke out of my hair, and go to sleep. I should’ve spent my Friday night reading, writing, or drinking wine with my friends and watching movies on Netflix. I’m too old for this staying-out-late crap.

 

Bonus reason: This is the only thing I get excited about at the club.

 

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