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NaBloPoMo 2012: November 9th– Guilt Complex

Today’s prompt reads

Friday, November 9, 2012
If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?

Well, this is a tough prompt to respond to.

I currently feel a lot of guilt for things beyond my control. In the past few weeks (and months) I have felt guilt for having things I have worked so hard for. I have a college degree. I have a job. I have a beautiful studio apartment as a part of that job. I have a car in great condition. I have family filled with good health, love, and support of one another. I have a great set of friends. I’m working towards my Masters in Secondary English Education, and I have a really supportive, amazing cohort. I have had a really rewarding student teaching experience (so far, knock on wood). I have a dog who thinks he’s a drag queen and may or may not be an alien (sorry, I’m sharing this post with you all as much as humanly possible.) I didn’t lose anything or anyone in Sandy, and I’m even fortunate enough to be holding a fundraising raffle for the hurricane victims.

So why do I feel so guilty?

Simple: I have what others don’t. I have always been extremely lucky in my life. Even in times of trial, even when I have been the underdog, I’ve managed to come out on top. When the going has gotten reeeeeally tough, I’ve somehow managed to have everything work out in the end.

Even with a farmer’s tan, frizzy hair, and poor clothing choices, I even managed to come out on top (of a mountain of books) in high school.

If I could change one thing about my life right now, it would be my guilt complex. No matter what the scenario, I always feel guilty about what I have. Instead of feeling guilty, I need to learn to feel grateful and count my blessings. So many people have lost so much these past few weeks, and I need to learn to be grateful for what I have instead of feeling bad about it.

Work is my nirvana

I need to take a moment to express how grateful I am for the work I am doing this summer.

When it seemed as if I had gotten screwed over by The Man and my summer job opportunity had fallen through, my friend Liz (@artemisretreats) helped connect me to a job opportunity at her place of work.

I am grateful to have friends like Liz, and even more grateful for the opportunity this connection has provided me.

I am working for HOPE, or Health Outreach, Promotion & Education. I am working with New Student Orientation and connecting with students and their parents, and I am also working on a few other projects and focus groups. The work itself is amazing, and I sort of wish I had discovered Public Health during my undergrad. HOPE really makes a difference at my University, and it’s so nice to be a part of it.

You know what else is nice? Having a healthy work environment.

I spent a few years working for a marketing group. (Yet another oddball job for an English major!) My boss had us working out of his garage, which he had converted into a furnished office, but it was still a garage. The entire office was made up of college interns (cheap, legal labor) and we were given impossible tasks with impossible time frames to finish them in. Our tasks were also changed without us knowing so it was a tad difficult to get things accomplished.

Basically, I’m used to working in a shitty environment and being on edge all the time.

At HOPE, everyone is kind. They are understanding, and grateful for your presence. Impossible tasks are not given, and there are no impossible expectations. Everyone is sweet, intelligent, and motivated.

I also no longer have stomach ulcers from going to work.

Work has become my nirvana, and this is such a weird, delightful feeling.

I suspect this is my dog’s nirvana. Work is mine.