GingerSass

adding ginger to your sass

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Happy first birthday, GingerSass.

365 days ago my life changed forever.

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I was feeling a bit down and I decided to go to the (now defunct) 2nd Annual Sex, Love, and Dating Conference at Rutgers. After all, it was 5 minutes away, and a lot of my friends were working the event.

 

I didn’t know what to expect, and my social anxiety prevented me from wanting to make new friends at the conference, so I decided to do what I had done when I was younger: pretend I was a news reporter and super important at an event.

 

I ended up creating GingerSass and live-blogging the conference. GingerSass had over 300 hits in its first 24 hours of existence. By the end of the week, GingerSass had a domain name, a Twitter account, and me solemnly swearing that I wouldn’t toss GingerSass to the side after a few weeks, like I have done with so many writing projects in the past.

 

One year later, GingerSass has grown into something I never could have dreamed of. A year ago, I thought GingerSass would just be something to make me feel like less of an awkward turtle at a conference. Now, GingerSass has over 745 Twitter followers, 170 fans on Facebook, and, on average, over 5,000 visitors per month. THAT’S CRAZY TALK.

 

GingerSass has given me a lot of opportunities this past year I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I attended the BlogHer conference in NYC. I met fellow bloggers and made some amazing friends. I became a National Runner Up to be the Verizon Ultimate Insider. I’ve booked a few appearances and made a bit of money as a poet (unheard of!). I’ve been mentioned on AfterEllen. I’ve interacted with celebrities whose alter-egos have questioned what a celesbian is and why I want to be one. (coughcoughCadyMcClaincough) I’ve also been sent fun things in the mail, including a book from Eden Riegel’s mom. (I’m still finishing it, Lenore! Sorry!) GingerSass is also found in the first few pages of “celesbian” search results on major search engines.

 

Besides the Z-list celesbianism I’ve managed to obtain, GingerSass has given me a lot personally. It’s helped me grow as both a person and a writer, and it’s helped me get through anxiety, stress, grieving, student teaching, excitement, a hurricane, love, and so much more. It’s helped me become more in tune with who I am, and who I want to be. GingerSass gave me the voice that I kept locked away for so long, and it has helped remind me that I am a strong, independent, incredibly awkward yet endearingly sassy ginger woman.

 

GingerSass has been one of the best things that has come into my life, and I am forever grateful for what it has evolved into. It wouldn’t be possible without all of you– THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

 

I’ll be announcing a giveaway at some point this week to commemorate one year of GingerSass. Until then, be sure to like GingerSass on Facebook, follow @THEGingerSass on Twitter, or subscribe to GingerSass using the “Subscribe” button on the side of this page.

 

Stay tuned for an update– with cake– later tonight! Thanks again for making this past year possible. I really couldn’t have done it without all of you. <3

 
Oh, and here’s a Hillary Scott (of Lady Antebellum fame) song I found that perfectly sums up how much my life has changed in the year that GingerSass has been around. Blogging and running GingerSass truly has been life-changing for me.

I found my voice again…

In Disney’s “The Little Mermaid,” there’s a scene where Ariel gives up her voice to Ursula, the evil sea witch, so that she can walk on land and be something she’s not.

While I haven’t negotiated with the devil, and I never had a singing voice to give up, I’ve spent a lot of the past year or two in a funk. I gave up my voice to my own worst enemy: myself.

During college, poetry was my escape. Imagery and rhyme scheme allowed me to convey the emotions I couldn’t communicate in everyday life. I coped with love, loss, and even episodes of Glee. Then, life got chaotic. I struggled with all the stress in my life, encountered situations I didn’t know how to handle, and went through a minor meltdown upon graduating undergrad and starting The Real Life Pit Stop Known As Grad School And Student Teaching. Amongst all this, other than when it was for a poetry class, I couldn’t find the desire to write poetry or perform at poetry readings. I felt like a part of me had died, and I threw all my writing energy into GingerSass.

On Friday, something within me changed. I thought about collapsing on my bed and watching depressing episodes of Grey’s Anatomy or Private Practice, but, on a whim, I decided to attend Out of the Box, a local open mic I last attended over 3.5 years ago.

Attending OotB felt like a homecoming. It was hosted in the basement of a church by Pandora Scooter. (She’s fabulous; I actually want to try to arrange for her to perform at school for my students as a part of our performance poetry unit.) I read my post about Coming Out Day, and the poem I wrote in response to my students attending Dodge for the first time. After I was finished, Pandora shook my hand and thanked me for what I do. I also had quite a few people come up to me afterwards and compliment my piece, and I even connected with another teacher dealing with some of the same issues and feelings I have been dealing with.

Listening to the various poetry, musical, and other sorts of performances really warmed my heart. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was getting my voice back. Everything seemed right in the world, and it really meant a lot to be a part of such a wonderful, inviting group.

Oftentimes lately, I’ve felt like I’ve lost my voice. I haven’t had the time to write, and when I have, it’s usually been posts about something involving my student teaching internship. I’ve written maybe 2 poems since April, which is devastating to me since I usually write 2-3 poems a week. I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis with the loss of my voice and my lack of writing. All of this combined with going to Out of the Box on Friday has helped me realized something: I really am my own worst enemy, and I am definitely the only person preventing myself from embracing my voice as a writer and a poetic performer. I have nowhere else to go but up, and I am so extremely grateful that I decided to go on Friday night. Without OotB, I don’t know if I would’ve found the desire to find my voice again. I’m finally getting closer to being the me I want to be.

Why I Chose Not to Come Out on National Coming Out Day

Today, October 11th, is National Coming Out Day.  National Coming Out Day was started in 1987 when half a million people participated in the March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. Since then, National Coming Out Day has continued to promote a safe and accepting world for LGBT individuals.

I’m currently student teaching in a really wonderful district. The teachers are amazing, wonderful, and supportive of one another. The students are really close knit. The school thrives on diversity. However, one thing I have noticed in the hallways is that the school has a slightly homophobic feel to it. There are no out teachers (that I have met). There is no Gay-Straight Alliance for students to join. In particular, my students have frequently used the phrase “That’s so gay!” or “You’re so gay!” in the classroom. I have had at least four conversations about respecting one another and each other’s differences in my one classroom, but it sometimes feels as if I am beating a dead horse.

Last night, I was so overwhelmed by the ignorance displayed by my students that I was literally restless. I remembered that today was National Coming Out Day, and I became even more restless. I started Googling “student teachers coming out to students as lesbian” and the lack of results was even more overwhelming. The more I Googled, the more I wanted to cry. There were plenty of resources to help support students who were coming out, but none for teachers coming out to their students.

I then remembered a book I had bought at some point last year (one teacher in 10, edited by Kevin Jennings) that is a collection of words of wisdom from LGBT-identified individuals in the teaching profession. I dug the book out and consulted it. While it didn’t really offer much advice on working a Coming Out Day lesson into one’s plans, it gave me inspiration to try to think outside of the box.

I went to bed at 12:30am, but I didn’t fall asleep until close to 2:30 last night. (This is bad when you get up at 5.) My mind and heart were weighed down by my worries about my students, and whether or not I have the potential to help them be more accepting of others. I also was still very conflicted on whether or not a Coming Out Day Lesson would be detrimental to my classroom environment.

When my alarm went off, I was already up and on Facebook. One of my Facebook friends had responded to my post looking for Coming Out Day Lesson ideas by suggesting I take a look at an anti-bullying lesson a New York teacher had done. The lesson appeared on BuzzFeed and proved to be a true source of motivation and inspiration for me.

In my Creative Writing class, where I’m already known as the “cool, weird teacher,” I handed each student a small slip of paper and told them to destroy it by whatever means they felt necessary. Some ripped their pieces, others folded them, and one student even chewed on his. One of my students laughed and said she was “demeaning the paper” as she wrote mean names on it. After the papers were destroyed, I told my students I wanted them to return the papers to the original state as when I had handed them to the students. They all stared at me, dumbfounded, before they attempted to tape, glue, erase, and uncrumble their papers back to normalcy. After a few minutes of scrambling, I told my students to stop, that it was impossible to return their papers back to the original state.

I discussed the one girl’s paper, where she had written mean names and curse words on one side and compliments on the other. “No matter what nice words you may say, the mean words still remain. Bullying is like how we destroyed our papers– once you say something to someone, you can’t take it back. The scars remain.” I explained that I had had the students complete the activity because I noticed a lot of students saying “That’s/ You’re so gay” or “That’s/ You’re retarded” in the hallway. I commented that you never know who can hear what you’re saying, or what scars you’re giving someone as you unknowingly bully them, their friends, their family, or other loved ones. I also explained that it was National Coming Out Day and that some people in the school might come out today, and I wanted my students to try to be supportive of them by making the conscious decision to be careful with what words they say, as you never know who’s listening.

The reaction was AMAZING. A few of my students said “they felt like shit” and that “they just wanted to hug their papers.” A lot of productive conversation was stimulated by the activity, and although I only included it in my Creative Writing class (it wouldn’t have gone over well in the other class setting), it felt like a HUGE success in my day.

Although I have struggled with my identity as a closeted out educator in my school these past few weeks, I chose to NOT come out today because I felt it was irrelevant. Instead, I chose to have a lesson that was relatable to my students. I wasn’t just a gay teacher to them– today, I was a role model. I taught my students a valuable lesson on the power of words and bullying, and I stimulated conversation in the classroom. While my students may not have received confirmation that I’m a flaming homo, they did receive confirmation that I will not tolerate any discrimination in my classroom. That alone is all the more powerful than coming out on National Coming Out Day.

I can honestly say that, for the first time in years, I feel the need to remain closeted in my life. I’m not afraid to be me, but I am afraid of being labeled a lesbian before an educator. Without the label, I am able to teach my students about love and tolerance first, and worry about myself second. That is far more valuable than any moment of sharing my lesbian identity with a bunch of teenagers.

The only evidence of my sexuality today: a NOH8 button I added to my bag

Reflections, eleven years later

Today is September 11th, 2012.

For the past eleven years, September 11th has been a day of solemn reflection and temporary patriotism across the country.

A 9/11 tribute from my freshman year of college

This year, I have been able to look at September 11th through new eyes. I am student teaching tenth graders, and, for most of them, September 11th is just another patriotic day on the calendar. They were 4 or 5 years old when the terrorist attacks occurred, and  if they remember anything at all, they just remember the images that are bombarded across television sets year after year. Of the students who have actually memories of that date, most of the students just recall their parents or guardians being upset, or a lot of people leaving school early.

For me, the day has a completely different meaning. I was thinking about the significance of 9/11 in my life earlier this morning, and I realized that I am 22 years old. 9/11 happened 11 years ago. This means that for half of my life, I have been living in a post- 9/11 world.

Weird.

A lot of my students have no personal recollections or memories of 9/11. Today, I ended up explaining to them how different the world was 11 years ago. Their minds were blown when I told them there was a time when there was hardly any security at airports, that you were allowed to bring liquids on planes, and that there were very few restrictions on packages you sent in the mail. To them, they have only known a life filled with extra security and safety precautions. Terror alerts are as normal to them as thunderstorm alerts, and terrorist is a casually used word in their media-filled lives. They only know what the Twin Towers look like as a result of “really old movies” (their words, not mine!), and the 9/11 memorial is just a construction project that has been going on for a really long time. September 11th is just another day to wear red, white, and blue, but they don’t get off from school for it. They know that it is socially acceptable to feign sadness, remorse, and a lack of understanding of the events that surround this day, but they do not remember the actual emotions that this day brings out in some people.

For me, I am blessed. I didn’t lose any loved ones on 9/11, although my aunt was in the last subway car that went to the World Trade Center. She and my uncle both survived working in the city that day, and for that I will always be grateful.

A few months ago, for my Teachers as Writers course, I dug up an old journal I had started on September 11th, 2001. I was convinced that the world was going to end, that Osama bin Laden was going to kill me and my family, and that life as I knew it was going to end. After reading through my neglected journal, I wanted to give my eleven year old self a hug and tell her it’s going to be okay. I was so filled with fear of the unknown, like many Americans at the time. In a weird sort of way, being able to revisit my thought process as a child allowed me to realize how much has changed and how much has remained the same in our crazy world.

I haven’t looked at Facebook yet today, but I can almost guarantee that when I do, I will see a lot of “Never forget” statuses. I can also almost guarantee that there will be moments of twisted 9/11 jokes, political ideologies, anger, hatred, and temporary patriotism. I respect that everyone has the right to their memories, emotions, and opinions, but I also hope that all of you will remember that some people are also still suffering various levels of grief and emotions 11 years later. Some people were personally affected by September 11th, 2001, and others were not. I hope with all my heart that everyone who reads this blog will think before joining the bandwagon, and that you all will be respectful of the lives that were lost eleven years ago.

I leave you with the song “Where Is The Love?” by The Black Eyed Peas. We used it to discuss life post 9/11 in my classroom today.

 

It just ain’t the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace are so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don’t belong 

And then there was that one time where everything awesome happened…

This week has been the best week ever.

Remember that fabulous show from VH1? I do.

I met the host, Chuck Nice, when I was a freshman in college.

Seriously, this week has been fantabulous.

I began my student teaching, and it wasn’t a complete disaster. In fact, I’d even venture to say it went pretty well. (I’ll probably post a separate post about that.)

My new job has been going pretty well, and I got my first paycheck today. That led to me grocery shopping like an adult and splurging on 20 yogurts, some sushi, and chicken. Yummmm.

There was a yogurt sale…can you tell???

Finally, what I’ve been waiting to share… why this has been the Best. Week. EVER.

I’m cutting to the chase… I’m one of nine NATIONAL FINALISTS to become Verizon’s next Ultimate Insider.

This whole blogging thing/ having my own website thing is really working out for me, and I found out last night that I’m one of nine (!!) national finalists to be the next Verizon Insider. If I won, I’d get a gig with Verizon through my blog where they’d give me a smart phone and pay me to attend movie premieres, interview celebrities, go to other cool events, and blog about it. I’d really love to win so if you want to vote for me (and share the link) I’d reeeeeeally appreciate it. You can vote as many times as you want by clicking here. 

You know what’s even cooler than finding out you’re a finalist in a national contest to be Verizon’s Ultimate Insider?

Showing up in AfterEllen’s Morning Brew by Trish Bendix.

I’ve blogged about AfterEllen before so you know they’re pretty awesome… but this really was the cherry on top of my week.

Want to make me even happier? Seriously, go vote for me to be the next Verizon Ultimate Insider. There’s a snarky essay I wrote you can read, and a hilarious video of me acting like a fool in front of a camera. Plus, ya know, it’s good for the gays if I win. This is sort of like if Rachel Maddow were running for President… if Rachel Maddow were a femme, and a blogger, and instead of President she was running to be an interviewer on E!…

Let me add ginger to your sass and choose me for this fabulous role!

This is what the next Verizon Ultimate Insider could like. Just sayin’.