God help us all, I attended a taping of The Jerry Springer Show on Monday.

Yes, that Jerry Springer.

My job was having a trip to the taping as staff bonding because what brings you closer together than Jerry Springer?! I got caught up in the promises of friendship and free food, as well as what was sure to be a fascinating blogging experience, and signed up for the trip.

Everyone on the bus ride was excited, most for different reasons, but everyone agreed that it was pretty cool that “Jerry had sent a bus for us.” (He sends buses for all colleges.)

Plus, the waiver we all had to sign was pretty hysterical.

Yes, you’re reading that right. The Jerry Springer show has zero tolerance for disruptive behavior. I’m also in line to be the next Pope.

I don’t like long car trips, unless I’m driving. I feel nauseous, get headaches, and really don’t like putting my life in the hands of someone else… So I take pictures of myself to kill time.

Because it’s easy to be pensive and contemplate your life decisions when you’re on a bus to the Jerry Springer Show…

When we arrived at the studio, we waited in the lobby for over an hour. They fed us pizza, which I’m not actually sure if I enjoyed because I was hungry or because they seasoned it with stripped glitter*.

*I’m only slightly joking.

We finally got inside the studio, where we saw the set in all its glory.

The next part is what really pissed me off. I know I shouldn’t have expected much from the show, but I was still pretty shocked.

The audience for The Jerry Springer Show is divided by their beauty.

While the producers and security guards didn’t necessarily say this was true, they didn’t have to. They directed people where to sit as they walked in.

In the center section, where they sat “us college students,” it was an obvious beauty contest. (By the way, they totally didn’t realize we worked for the unviersity. Phew.) Blonde girls were in the front row. Good looking guys were in the second row. Misfits not associated with our group, who were blocked from view, sat behind them.

In the second tier of the center section, where Jerry stands most of the time and does a lot of talking, “pretty girls” sat up front. (Should I be proud that I was one of them?) Decent looking guys from our group sat behind us.

The side sections of the studio were made up of older folks, middle aged folks, and primarily people of color. The people who were told to sit on the very far ends or back row were missing teeth, not dressed that nice, or obviously dirty.

(Btw, I’m not analyzing this to piss anyone off. I just found it interesting.)

If you look at the photo of the audience below, you can actually tell that the middle section is made up primarily of caucasian or “lighter skinned” people.

I’m not sure what any of this means. I was on camera a lot because Jerry stood next to me a lot. (He also shook my hand twice.) Should I feel pretty? Objectified? Trashy? Close to being sick?

I’m not sure.

Oh, and the theme of the episode was “Heartbroken Brides.” One woman’s fiancé cheated on him with a Facebook friend. The other woman wanted to renew her vows with her husband of 12 years, who she married when she was 16 and has 4 kids with. He didn’t want to renew their vows because he didn’t love her anymore… until he realized the stripper he had had sex with and wanted to leave his wife for actually had no interest in him because she was lesbian stripper with a partner and 3 kids.

Sigh.

I think I’m going to go shower memories of this experience off of me. Again.

At least I had something to write about?

I took this photo for you, people.