4/8/2013- “instructional poem”
“How to Write a Job Rejection for a Job You Haven’t Been Offered”
Are you sure you don’t want the job?
If there’s even an inkling of potential
that you may one day find yourself
wanting this source of employment
STOP READING IMMEDIATELY.
If you are certain you are not meant
to be one
with the job, proceed to
were you told to call the interviewer back?
Were you given any indication that he or she
If not, don’t bother proceeding further.
You’ve been rejected.
If they seemed to like you
even the littlest bit, proceed to
Step two point five-
Call the interviewer back.
If you’re lucky, you’ll get his or her voicemail.
If not, you’ll have to
CRUSH THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS
of hiring you at this establishment.
Either way, it helps to script things out
before your phonecall, which takes us back to
Step two and one-quarter-
Write down what you would say in two scenarios…
but first make sure you have the basic BS down.
“Hello Mr. or Ms. So-and-so. My name is (your name here).
Today’s date is blahblahblah,
and I interviewed at (the place) on (the date you interviewed).
You had asked me to call you back today…?”
Rejection staring you in the face?
Suck it up, take a shot, and say,
“Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally appreciate it.
Have a wonderful rest of your day!”
Kill ‘em with kindness.
They actually want you?
Well, now you’re an asshole, huh?
“Thank you so much for this opportunity,
and for considering my application.
(Translates to: I’m about to serve you a bunch of cheesy BS.)
However, since I spoke to you last,
an opportunity has presented itself with
(something something blahhhh),
and I would like to withdraw my application.
I really appreciate your consideration.
Good luck with your search for a (whatever you are)!”
Move on to
Do not deviate.
Unless, of course, you get a voicemail.
Then it is perfectly okay to say,
“I’m sorry I missed you!”
“Thank freaking GAWD”
because you didn’t want to face rejection
while serving the interviewer a pile of rejection.
It’s time for
Try not to laugh as you say,
“If you have any questions or concerns,
please don’t hesitate to give me a call back.”
Because, as you might anticipate,
they will NOT be calling you back.
This is what you want, right?
If not, refer back to step one and recall–
it’s too late to go back,
instead you must move on to
Write a poem
highlighting the ridiculousness
of this hypothetical scenario
and continue searching for a job,
not living in a dream world
where you get to call the shots
you are owned by The Man…
whoever the Hell that may be.