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Ten Minute Musings #3.5

15 minutes

I’m supposed to be working on my “evocative writing piece.” Well, screw this shit. I physically cannot pick a single narrative piece I want to write about right now. I’ve done that in the past. In my senior year of high school, I wrote a long narrative piece on the death of my grandpa, Buster, who practically raised me. For Fiction, I spent a lot of the semester working on a story based on the tumultuous lives of various lesbians I know. I’m sick of picking a single event and writing a long piece about it… mainly because I don’t want to talk anymore about myself. I hate talking about myself. When I’m forced to talk about myself in my writing, I get super self-conscious and try to pretend it’s someone else. Let’s be real… 99% of my writing is about me. I’m egotistical, and writing about myself and my problems helps me cope and deal with the emotions of everyday life.

I can’t handle this right now. My head is killing me. I’m distracted. I have to buy a bridesmaid’s dress for a wedding at the end of the month that I honestly forgot was at the end of THIS month… and that I don’t have a date to. I’m very distracted by my professor’s awesome fauxhawk. If I hadn’t sworn off hitting on professors, I’d consider hitting on her at the end of the semester. (Actually, probably not. I think she has a partner.) Her mac screen just came up on the overhead…. it’s from Sunday. At Asbury Park. For Jersey Pride. It doesn’t scream “GAY LESBIAN WOMAN!” but I know. Lesbians always know. We’re like the CIA or FBI. Actually, FBI, for the sole purpose of remembering those t-shirts from the early 2000’s that said, “FBI: Female Body Inspector.” I’ve spent the last ten minutes listening to Melissa Etheridge, Bon Jovi, Mariah Carey, and Adele. I responded to an OKC message I got during class. My life does not get more pathetic than this very moment. It’s a good thing the professor just said our time is up for writing because I honest to God cannot think of another thought to put down on my computer…except that I really could go for an iced coffee right now. God my head is killing me.

Ten Minute Musings #3

30 minutes

Five minutes have passed. I’ve been sitting here in the perfect spot of our lecture hall listening to Melissa Etheridge’s “I Want to Come Over” and trying to summon some ounce of me that wants to write. (Actually, I don’t have a choice in whether I want to or not… the professor said we’re writing for 30 minutes today.) I know what I want to write about, but I can’t find the words to write about it. Also, I feel quite sickly today. I have an acute case of sunburn (Thanks Jersey Pride!) which is giving me the chills on an already chilly day. My stomach is acting up, and I really don’t want to be here right now. I’d rather be curled up in my bed.

These past few days have been very reflective and liberating for me. Before going to Jersey Pride on Sunday, I decided that, if given the opportunity, I would like to right the wrongs I’ve done to people over the past year. For those of you who have no clue, Jersey Pride is like a giant county fair for members of the lgbtqqia community mixed with a lot of alcohol, hot drunken messes, and everyone deciding, for one day of the year, to get along with all of their exes, ex friends, people they used to date, etc. It’s absolutely mind-blowing to me to see how many people forgive and forget at Pride. Alliances are broken, truces are called, and everyone buys each other drinks. I went to Pride with one of my best friends, and I knew that there was a good chance I would run into a friend I no longer talk to, one of the girls I’ve dated in the past year, or even potentially my ex. I often blame the end of whatever we had on most of these people, but, when it comes down to it, it takes two to tango and cause a rift.

I did run into 2 someones I hadn’t talked to in awhile. Surprisingly, there was an odd sense of calm in both scenarios. I apologized for how things had ended with one, and made tentative plans to go out to coffee to talk and catch up with the other. It sounds stupid, but a quote from a tv show I was watching with my sis last week was repeating over and over in my head when I ran into these two women: “You don’t have to be her enemy, but you don’t have to be her friend either.” I’m not looking for friendships with these women. In fact, I think it’s almost pointless for ex anythings to try to be friends. It usually just remains awkward, and it can never get back to being how it was before you started dating/ seeing each other/ whatever. A lot of my friends got angry with me for reconnecting with these women, and told me that I didn’t need to put myself through “that” again. I’m not looking to put myself through anything. I’m looking to be the mature adult that I have turned into during the past year and apologize for my actions.

I’m very grateful that I have the opportunity to apologize for my actions and finally be at peace with my past. I know a lot of my friends feel I have sucky taste in women, and that I’ve been treated like pure crap in the past… and I’ll agree with that. But you know what? I have been a major asshole to women in the past, and I’ve blamed them for things in our arguments. I may not be 100% guilty for why things have ended between me and various women in the past, but I noticed that I have a pattern of not apologizing for the bitchy things I’ve said in anger, even when the other women have apologized. Being given the opportunity to apologize to women from my past at Pride really lifted a weight from my shoulders that I didn’t even know existed. I think, if anything, being given the opportunity to apologize will help me move on and be less scared of women and relationships.